I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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