I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
