atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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