You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
