My room smells like vodka and shame
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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