suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
