I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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