Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
