I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
