I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
