I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
