Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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