nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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