I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
