I think I am morally bankrupt
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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