I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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