I skipped work to stalk him.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We need to rekindle our bromance
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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