can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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