I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
