please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
