Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
