if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
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