i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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