Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just blew my weed a kiss
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
