so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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