tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
