youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
