if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize