He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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