Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
