The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Randomize
