Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
