burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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