I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
