You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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