I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
