as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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