we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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