i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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