How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
