Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
