If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
