as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
