I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I need to sanitize my soul.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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