Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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