i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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