my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
