I want you more than these girls want KFC
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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