We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
