I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
